iturmore's Blog

When i started high school i suffered from a depression, i wan't abused, i wasn't bullied, i got good grades and had a good hand ful of friends, anything you would expect. But every night i cried, i wished i was being abused, i longed to be the class victim. I hated my friends, i wanted to jon all the other troubled kids. I knew it would get me no where, I would of ended up living in a awful area and having to work awful jobs.

So i kept my friends, that were pretty, popular and fitted in, and so friggin perfect, a human barbie that could do no wrong. I kept getting good graded, but couldn't match the clever people. I stayed back and watched the bullies at work. I tried to be happy at home. My life was a time table. , I got up, went to school, came back from school, entertained my self until tea, had tea, did homework, bed. Then tomorrow it was the same and same again.

At the weekend i didn't want to go shopping for 2 days straight, i hated the stupid little "frappacino's" or the bloody, high streets shops that were all the same and over priced. When i was at school i wanted it to be the weekend, and when it was the weekend i wanted it to be school.In the holidays i would follow the crowd and hang around the park with everyone else and did nothing except talk and go on facebook on a blackberry or iphone, which i couldn't afford to have.

One day, i was home alone, sister had a sleep over and mum wasn't back until, 9:30. It was 8 in the morning, i woke up and stared at the ceiling. Then i got dressed, denim shorts and a KISS t- shirt and converse, hair down, couldn't be bothered to spend 2 hours styling it like everyone else. I had money in my pocket, a lot, about £80-90. I got up and stood outside my door, i thought about what i wanted to do, no one else, me.

So i ran. I ran to my train station and got the cheapest ticket out of my town. For now we'll call this place "Down South" (Privacy). It was about half an hour away, and when i got there it was about half nine. I got off the stop, and realized what i just did. I was going to go to a police woman and thought,"It's a public place, you've got the money to get back, no one you know is from around here, make the most of it". So  i did, i stumbled upon a music shop and looked at it and had a look at the guitars (could already play). So i looked around and noticed a group of people looking at me. I ignored them and picked up a guitar and started to play. The group came up to me saying they played, but wasn't in a band or looking to get famous. They just did what they loved. They were like me. The different person in the school, the ones that don't ike "Frappacino's" or doing nothing at the park. They were all different and unique in amazing ways, so I started to hang out with them more.


There was parties, with everyones playlist that went on to 2 am in the morning, it was fun and my scene, eveyone was here to have fun and do what they love. But it took me a while to realize it was a rough area.

At these parties there was drugs and booze and cigarettes. I did them all. A lot of the time i was the worst. I couldn't help it, i didn't want to go back to that life. The life where i was treated like a lemming, like i was the same. because i wasn't. Down South i was the fun, rhythm guitarist that rocks it like joan jett. I loved it, i wasn't the centre of attention but i was in my own way. If you understand me?

But the drugs, cigarettes and booze became constant, every party, every gathering. I lit up a cig on and off stage. I drank, on and off stage, i ony took drugs at parites or gatherings but they came about 3 times a week. I started to become tired. I loved what i did, (playing the guitar).  I was good at what i did, of course it all left me skint when it ended. But i wouldn't change my past. I would certainley like to foget it. You know?
 Because for a  long time, music, drugs, cigs and booze was my life.

One time there was a wild party in the lobby on where i preformed. It was sooo crowded, with booze, drugs ect, ect. I remember i was talking to a guy that i was attracted to. I was quite drunk, we where both drunk. So we dragged me to the side and we made love. I didn't remember it, it wasn't like in the movies where we woke up and it was amazing or special. It was what it was.

After that i never had sexx again, i was now too tired. I felt like i was thrown together. And chucked into this life which i, so stupidly chose. I was tired.

The day i confessed everything was when i just finished of a cig. I looked in the mirror and saw grim reaper staring back. I had therapy and worked and focused on school.

Now i am glad to say, im healed. But i still think going through that experience helped me to be who i am now. So i don't regret it, you know?. Because my past, kinda made my fututre.

I am in a forest its really early morning and has the cold crisp feel to it, the sky has been taken over by white clouds. The tree's are huge, massive and there roots are thick and winding. It's not a country path, the ground is soily and you can see the roots of the trees and hear wild life getting up to its tricks. Its just me at this time, im wearing shorts and a pink top, i look like i was dressed to go to a BBQ or the beach. BUt i was in the forest and it was cold. But i wasn't cold. I was warm. I walked straight on and kept going and i come to a field.

At the end of a field is a figure that i can only just make out, I step closer. I'm scared but i keep going to see who or what the figure is. I look hard and realize its my dad. I smile and wave. He mimmics my wave like i was stood in front of a mirror. I look confused and i turn around, he does the excatct same. He copies my every move like a reflection. I look really confused and scared. I look at his expression it looks simple, childlike. I rub my eyes and he is gone and i am not wearing my pink top and shorts. I am wearing a coat and walking boots and i am carrying a musket.

Out in the field i see a dear. It was incredibly beautiful, and strong. Beside it was a small doe, it looked like father and daughter. Then i realize my father is stood next to me. We looked at the dear and the dear looked at us. My father walks to the dear and strokes them. I don't know why but i aim my musket towards my father and the two dear, close my eyes and shoot.Then i walk over to see which one i have killed, to my shock it was the baby doe. My father was in tears and the dear looked depressed, the dear laid beside its baby doe and made a yelping noise. Then i am alone in the forest. And i hear a gun shoot and i fall dead

Then i wake up.

Can anyne explain this?

Please take me instead of my father, I know i've been bad and not worth your time and at times I cursed your name to the heavens for this life you have given me.
I wake up
I go to school
I come back
I go to bed

I wake up
I go to school
I come back
I got to bed

I wake up
I go to school
I come back
I go to bed

At the weekend i do the same, is there anything different in my life? meaningfull?, is there anyone that i can love?
At school i am the shy one thats nice but no one is bothered with, i have a few friends and thats it. I try to act like i am wanted. Why do i have to act?
Can't anyone fill this hole? god?

I am loosing faith in you, help me, please?
Give me the plauge you sent to my papa. My papa deserves to live, not me, Can i die and meet my papa in heaven? Are  you listnening? Do you want to listen? Does ANYONE want to listen?. No one can imagine the love a father and daughter share. When someone you love is ill, you become ill, you feel there pain and suffering, you suffer through there anger and stress, They are you. But when that part of you is dying, your not whole.

It feels awful, empty. Please god why have you made me like this? the ugly, stupid, fat, mentally challenged girl that is not whole?. Why do you give a person so much pain? if you want him so badly, your willing to hurt other people to get what you want. Selfish. But you don't care because you've got the whole nation at your feet, they bow to you they give you presents and love and TRY to please you but what do you give in return?hope, hope that is so small it will be devoured by the saddness and dissapointment.

God if you can hear me, rid me off this world instead of my papa

Some people ask me the question, do you believe in god?, on EP i normally use terms like "It was so beautiful you could not tell where gods land ended" or "I asked god why?". But i simply say this...
It's not God i believe in it's the nature and love all around that i believe in.
They are sometimes confused, what? they say, then some argue the fact saying "God is the one and only". But here is a very interesting answer someone gave me.
"There is no such thing; no matter how hard you try to believe in nature it will not grow without sunlight or water and no matter how hard you wish or believe in love, you will not get it through falling".


But then i wondered, for god to make us and the earth he needed love and nature, i mean. There was nature when adam and eve were around and a love connection between them. Love helps nature grow, with the love and warmth of the sunlight it will turn lush and healthy. And for love to grow nature must be constantly there to create a beautiful scene and make everything right.

But then i thought that these word were ridiculous, so now i sit and think. Thankyou to the EP member that gives a person the ability to think, better than any teacher.

Arrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!  what's wrong with the world?, i on my knees asking god why?, why would he do this?

I just found out one of my friends has had a threesome!, she's 13. The two other boys got drunk with her, they was in the grass areas. The fields in our town. Oh goddness me! why?. Why my friend? I look at people and think that they are going know where!.

Also my other friend has done things with a boy!, there are too many and too dirty to mention!!!

Why? they are both 13! Everythings wrong, so wrong and mixed up!!!

Also my papa is ill in the hospital, i've found out that the results are fatal. He lives in spain. I live in england. We cant ring, e-mails are not as heartfelt as speaking too.

Can someone help me?

I was thinking about getting my hair cut short, and my sister said i would look like a lesbian, i was really confused when she told me this. If i had short hair would it mean i am a lesbian?, well i've been thinking about it and i have managed to conjure up this thought.

Determined by the way we look does it mean we are what we see?- it reminds me of the old saying "Don't judge a book by its cover". Well sometimes we all have done it, i mean if you look at a man with a pink shirt and tiny shorts with the latest trends you would think, "Gay", "Camp". This is what people do dailey. for example, if you see a girl in her mid 20's working at tesco we think "She must have screwed up in school" or " Maybe she has problems". But what we fail to see is the story that lies beneath, this girl might be earning to cure a sick relative or earning money for her child. Either way many people jump to the conclusion that we as a community judge on what we see.

This can be a good thing, when you see a guy that looks rough we think "stay away he might mug me" or "Keep away he looks dangerous". It's designed to protect us, its our instinct, when a rabbit sees a fox it runs away. When a hawk sees a mouse it scoops it up and feeds it to there young.

I have recentley come to terms with someone, this person is very rough, mean, aggressive, rude and out of order in some areas, he looks all those things as well. But recentley having caught up with him i now know what has happenes. He has seemed to fall for the geeky girl in the class, good at math, braces, huge hair, and quite freckly. I knew that this is why he was so misrable, he was top o the class, handsome, charming, dressed well, got all the latest gadgets but some how falled for a girl that was not in his area.

We cover up what we really want and who we really are for the sake of less judgement, this can cause hurt if you don't get it right or when we do we can't reach what we really want. If you really knew me you would look at me and think, nice girl, dark features, braces and kind of ditsy.But here i am writing about this question, my answer to you is that we can strive to be more optimistic when we dont judge, we smile at the other person, they smile back, you ask the upset girl whats wrong and she smiles in comfort.

My brain hurts to write more, i hope you can think on what i have said

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

This quote reaaly made me smile, it's true, but why do we get mad when that imperfect person does something wrong. Well after snooping around here are some answers

1. They did it intentionally
2. They are maybe too imperfect
3. Not everyone is perfect, we sometimes get mad over things

These were all asked by different people, all of them different, all of them evoke different emotions. For example.

Person 1- This person has recently been through a messy divorce and in my opinion has chaged the way they think about love. I was told that once they were a hopless romantic and always fell for the wrong person. So it was their bad choices that enabled them to change the way they think.

Person 2- This person has been single for a while, though they are good looking and well of, those two things cannot give you love, but it can certainly give you a push. Or maybe doesn't help. There are people out there that just want a hot model or some dough in there pockets. This person seems on their guard and rather picky.

Person 3- In my opinion has the best understanding of the situation. They beleive no one is perfect and feel they don't have the perfect partner, but maybe it is those disagreements and imperfections that make us love. They also belive that very human emotion is the same it is just expressed differentley.

My papa tells me things that make me think, i remember once asking him.
"Papa how much do you love me?"
He smiled at me and spread out his arms as wide as he could and he said "This much".
I was a bit upset and confused, thinking he would say, "To the moon and back" or "Till the skies fall upon us". But no he didn't. He could sense my confusion and i asked him why.
Then he said something that i will never forget.

" When god gave us our lives, he spread his arms wider to sacrifice his life for us".
I was still confused, I though about it, He loved me so much he was willing to take his life for me, It was a lot more meaningful than saying so.

When in a loving relationship, i always seem to think that people will ask themselves questions like.
"Would i die for him/her?"
"Are they worth all the pain i'm going through?"
"Are they just as imperfect as me?"

But people go through with it, without feeling the love, making false commitments and hurting themselves emotionally. When people split up they say "The love just died".
Well?, love does not die.

Love has been here since before the earth began, when gods and goddesses vowed eternal companionship, each god has a partner, in any religion. Even the apes did it when we were still in creation.

People get lazy...bored? of the life they live, they didn't dive into the pool, they dipped in their toes and waited if the water was at a right temprature but soon they were found choking.

So to all the people that have read this and are thinking of that someone and smiling, your lucky, its a privalige to grow old with someone, its an honour to be by someones side, and yes it is tough. But your on their team or in the crowd and cheering them on. Love is easy to find and happen but so hard to forget and destroy.

In loving devotion to my grandparents, whom are now celebrating thier 50th wedding anniversairy.

May the love grow stronger with day.

Lazy day today, need to clean up my room, was planning on a mega movie marathon, have already watched "The Ring" , its awful. No plot line and if there was one it would be severley complicated. The only movie I allow with no plot line is Transformers!, i do love that film.

Anyways, sometimes its nice to be on your own. It gives you solitude. It gives you time to think, and in my life sometimes thats hard to find, time. Time is one of the most hardest thing to find isn't it?, but it goes so fast!.

So give me and my mind a few hours to think and we will be back for the 2nd entry of the day. My mind is bubbling as we speak.

aI asked a question a few days ago on EP, that question was "what is your greatest achievement?", i left it for a few days and looked and saw it had quite a good handful of comments. Many of the people where intrested in the question, many of them joked and did it for fun. I got mixed views each was more intersting than the last.

When i was young, hmmm no older than 7 perhaps i remember going into my mothers work, (she is a clinical physcologist and is very significant in her field, she also teaches her profession) so my mum took me to her work and i walked in and saw a ring of students,all very different and young around 20 looking. I sat down and my mum started the lesson. Epistimology.


My mum placed a chair in the middle of the room and asked the class what it was, a bright ginger kid said "its a chair", then my mother replied "how do we know its a chair?". The class went quiet, i could hear peoples thought and how this lesson just got interesting. One blonde girl said "its made so we can sit on it", then mum replied "If you had no clue what this was would you sit on it?" the class once again went quiet whilst mum dazzled them with her out standing thinking. Then i bravley said "its got 4 legs" the class looked at me, haha and they thought i was going to shut up and listen!. then it got on to how native amaricans will have probabbly used it as a weapon and how different people might use or see the chair.

My mum moved on, the class clearly got the basic jist of the lesson. My mum drew out a sum on the bored
2+2=?, then she spoke "what does this sum equal?" a beautiful asian said "4". "how do you know?" said my mum. "Because we have been taught to do this in school, expecially basic sums like this "replied the asian.  "Exactly!" said my mum, with huge amounts of enthusiasm in her eyes. "Now i want to pretend that you don't now how to count, in fact you can't even identify these numbers" said my mum she continued on, "What does this equal?". The another ginger kid, a little more skinny than the last one said "purple!" some people chuckled, others waved him off, like he always cracked jokes in class. i said "question mark" more people chuckled this time, some i think out of pity. "Lets move on" said my mum.

My mum gave each person a piece of paper, "with these i want you to tell no one what you are, and staying in character i want you to describe what im about to show you", we left the small room and walked untill we got to the main campus library.  We spent about fifteen minitues there, it was fun, everybody was acting there roles.

We went back to the small dreary room and sat down, my mum went in order, at this time i was sat next to a albino kenyan girls that was as sweet as honey and a girl ( alas) had a brain tumore but was hard working and completley nice. My mum went round he semi circle and each person desribed a libary in their characters. here's what was said...

Bright ginger kid- glamour model
"oh goodness me i hated it, not a footballer in sight!,the paps can't see me in here!, daddy got me page 3 in vouge i cannot wreck my reputation, my boyfriend might think im hooking up with some fat librarian, eww!"

Other skinny ginger- council member
" well, here is what we spend our money on, very good, people are here. very modern, hmm maybe attracts more people to the area, its good we got recognition by the head council other wise this would have never of been built"

beautiful asian- police woman
" hmm, ello ello, whats this then? hmm, thank god we have got something useful to keep youths of the street, i dont want even more paper work"

Kenyan girl- A mother of a 12 year old
"Brilliant, i go to this meeting whilst my daughter can stay here for a while, its good for her to be getting some knowledge rather than always on that damn phone, or facebook for that matter"

Hard working girl- 12 year old
"phht, gods sake, im f****ing grounded, oh well at least mum is dumping me in the sh*t hole whilst she goes off, at least there is computers, yes get in facebook!"

This is something that has stayed with me, depending on their money, looks, job, your position in the society, health issues. EVERY ONE THINKS DIFFERENT.  
this can often lead to judgements, for example, the glamour model might be depressed and wanted to read to console herself or the mother might be dropping of to see her father thats maybe of worked there. The 12 year old could actually be interested in book and litriture.
The fact the ginger kid portrayed the model as a snob may have been affected by what he has seen, for example a rather paticular snobby model on TV. Or the asian portrayed herself as a 50's cartoon policeman. This brings up an ENTIRALY different subject does TV control how we think?.

Epistimology is designed to make you think how other people might think.
Thank you for reading, i know its long but i hope you learnt something new.

I woke up, knowing i was getting braces, i didn't mind the braces because nowadays everyone is getting them, some even get fake ones!.
I have anxiety problems and was perscribed a special syrup/medicine to help with that, so anyways i went to the orthadontist and sat patiently for my turn to come. I have always hated the dentist.
I sat down in the chair and they did there procedure. It didn't hurt at all.

Then it got me thinking, fear, what is it?
Fear is an instinct it helps us to protect ourselves, it can save you but again destroy you, i have been through many scary things in my life so far. Bone brakes, drunken fathers, high school, tests. Anything you can expect form a teenager but was my fear of the dentidt necsisary?
Its ok to feel fear but when it stats to take over you it becomes a monster, it can ruin your relationship with a growing fear that you are un able to take that step. Its exactly like the dentist, i am scared therefore i am not getting the braces.But these braces are designed to help me to give me a perfect smile, to avoid infection. This is a tricky thing with relationships, you just have to know where to put the wires and to breath and manage to take your steps, to the dentist.

Is it worth it? you have to think about in relatioships, will it give you that pearly white smile afterwards, will it give you 2 years of pain in order to achive that smile, is there enough time to take your time?!. or will those braces give you crunched teeth that will cause an infection? or will it make no difference?.

A great man once said " We must build dykes of courage to stop the flood of fear", the point is what im trying to get across is that only you can build your dyke no one else, only you can decide to build your dyke. When this is achieved then you will seize to step over to the greener field. But if not the flood will one day make you suffer.